Nothing to Fear, Everything to Lose
by Kimmy Malfoy
Summary: Kathryn discovers something about herself... Fixed up and redone! Thanks to all of you who reviewed the last version! I appreciated your criticism! Please r&r!


Author's Note: Thanks to all for the feedback- I've redone the story, hopefully with everyone a little more in character… Unfortunately for me Voyager isn't being shown in my area anymore and so I'm a little rusty with all the characters, not to mention I've been spending almost all my time working on a novel and so blah blah blah anyway thanks to all for the feedback

She knew all the rumors, she had heard them all. Sighing she looked up from her padd at his face. He looked tired, but happy and his hair was filled with more grey than she had seen before, but it looked handsome on him. It had been so long since she had looked at him, really looked at him. She hadn't been able to look Chakotay in the eye since, well; it had been a long time. For once she let herself look at him, after all it was a quiet day on the bridge, just routine really. He looked intensely at the padd in front of him, and Kathryn allowed her eyes to wander, eventually settling on his eyes. They were dancing, almost sparkling with life and energy, and she wondered if they were true, if the rumors were true. She turned away from him and resumed reading her padd, thinking about what she had heard in the mess hall that morning.

"Did you hear that Commander Chakotay is dating Seven?"

"No way!" Two young female ensigns in front of Kathryn gossiped, unaware of her presence.

"Yea, it's a bummer isn't it?"

"I know, he is a cutie, but now that he's involved he's so off limits." The blond one grumbled.

"Oh please Erin! As if he'd ever date you. He's way too old for you." Kathryn felt her face flush ten shades of red, she felt like she was intruding on a private moment, but she couldn't help listening in.

"Oh my gosh! Did you hear that Seven actually made a holodeck program especially for them?"

"Too weird if you ask me."

"Yea, I guess, but I mean no man could resist her, ha! In that cat suit- don't even get me started." The blond one giggled as the brunette dropped her napkin and laughed.

"That thing is so nasty; I think it's glued to her body."

Confused by what she heard Kathryn turned to walk toward her seat and as she sat down, she heard another pair of ensigns gossiping about the same thing. Chakotay and Seven this, Chakotay and Seven that. Their petty gossip angered her so much she could hardly eat. And now, she sat on the bridge, staring at him, determined to find out just what was going on.

"I'll be in my ready room" she muttered to him and rose from her chair. As if on cue, he got up also and looked at Tuvok. "You have the bridge Lieutenant." He grumbled and walked into Kathryn's ready room.

She aimlessly ran her finger around the rim of her coffee cup, waiting for her door to open. She knew he had followed her and so now she just sat in her chair and waited. Waited for someone or something to wake her from her nightmare. It wasn't possible, she refused to believe that he was involved with Seven. Her door chimed and with out a response from her it opened. He walked in and as she looked at him closely she could see his eyes glisten, it had been so long since they had. She tried her hardest to be indifferent about his obvious happiness, his almost radiant appearance, after all he had neglected to tell her about his new romance, but she found herself plagued with jealousy that he had found happiness.

"Commander." She addressed him tersely, hoping not to betray her emotions.

"Captain." He spoke to her softly.

"I believe you have something to tell me."

"I do?"

"Yes Chakotay-" she allowed a hint of softness to creep into her tone.

"Kathryn-" he looked straight into her eyes and she felt exposed, as if her emotions were written on her face.

"I just want to know, once and for all…"  
"Know what? If I'm involved with Seven?" he smiled ever so slightly when he said her name.

"Yes." In her mind she begged him to say no.

"I am."

"You are?" her voice sounded feeble to her, weak, barely there at all.

"Yes Kathryn, she created a holo-program and used my image, and I found out and well I'm sure you know the rest."

"Enlighten me, please." She replied sarcastically.

"Well I felt for her, I wanted to help her and well, one thing led to another and then…" she noticed his cheeks had gotten red and he was stuttering through his rendition of the story. It suddenly became very clear to her that he did have feelings for Seven.

"Yes, I know the rest, thank you." she interrupted his story and watched him walk toward the door. "Oh and Chakotay…"

"Yes?" his tone of voice seemed uplifted when she had called him back to her.

"I just want to wish you two a lot of happiness." She felt her chest tighten with anguish. Never had she felt such a strange combination of emotions. She was happy for him, and for her, but at the same time she couldn't help but fell envious of their relationship.  
"Thank you, Kathryn." Smiling gently at her he walked out of her ready room.

Her shift on the bridge couldn't end fast enough; she was dying to get to the holo-deck. It had been a few weeks since she had been able to relax and she felt like she needed to unwind. _No better place to do that than in the holo- deck_ she thought. As she approached the holo-deck she decided to run one of her favorite programs, the English country side in spring. The flowers would be blooming and she would be able to amble through the gardens and not think of anything but how the roses looked. She walked into the holo-deck and activated the program. Instantly she was greeted by a small cottage with a thatch roof, and a large garden filled with roses and blossoming trees. Inhaling the fresh spring air she walked into her little cottage.

The lights went out one by one in as was the ritual every night in her cottage high upon the hill. Holding her slowly smoldering candle, Kathryn doused the last candle in the dining room. Setting her candle on the table in the darkened room Kathryn walked slowly toward the window and opened the heavy green and gold curtains which covered the window. Slipping in behind them she leaned against the window, her breath fogging the glass, obscuring her view. There she stood and watched the lights from the town below her slowly disappear into the darkness. Leaning her head against the window she closed her eyes and remembered how happy Chakotay looked when he talked about Seven. He had looked at her that way once, but it was many years ago now. She hated herself for loosing him, for not letting him love her like he did on New Earth, for being so dense and stupid, for rejecting her chances at happiness. Now he was gone, now he belonged to someone else and there was no turning back time, no way to change what she had done.

Slowly she retreated from the window, tears clouding her vision as she emerged from the curtains. Walking slowly toward the table, Kathryn picked up her candle and made her way to the already darkened library. Pulling "Jane Eyre" from the shelf, she proceeded toward the staircase, avoiding the places she knew that cracked and creaked beneath her feet during the day. Closing the bedroom door behind her, she entered the empty room and climbed into the extravagant bed, her book catching the tears that fell slowly down her cheeks.


End file.
